I'll never go back here again. I hate everything here. And everyone hates me. I cry for everything, I cry for everyone to have normal things, for the food to be decent, for my father to be buried next to his parents, for the grave to be perfect. And all I hear is "not enough." "I want more Ilya, I need more Ilya, more, more, more, more, more, more, more..." I can't give these people a damn thing. I gave them everything. And I feel empty! They don't give a damn. They look at me and see either an ATM or an enemy. Or... I don't know which. My brother... he always hated me. I know why, but... it kills me. And it kills me that he cared about my father, and I didn't. But I couldn't. I wasn't here. I still paid for everything, but he will never forgive me. Not for anything. For the fact that I even exist. That means I have no one now. Well... well, not really anyone, I have Svetlana. She loves me. And I love her. But not the way... Damn it. Not the way I love you. That's the whole point. I only want you. And always only you. I love you so much and I don't know what to do with it. Okay im done.
