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If My Anxiety Was a Person, Here's What I'd Buy Them
Purple Star emoji 15 items
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Brandon Partridge
If my anxiety were a roommate, they’d never pay rent, borrow my clothes, and wake me up at 3 a.m. to remind me of that weird thing I said in 2014. This list is full of things I wish I could hand them to chill out
 
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But really, you just like the poppy noises.
Pop-it toy you’ll claim is for “focus”
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For nurturing energy without the crippling responsibility.
A fake plant you can’t kill
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Because TikTok Swore They'd Fix Everything
Magnesium Gummies
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Those 3 days? So productive. So delusional.
A planner you’ll use for 3 days
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*Proceeds to microwave 4 times*
Stress relief tea that you’ll forget you made
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Because vibes. Also your retinas hurt.
Blue-light glasses you wear indoors at night
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“You’re doing great, b*tch.” Thank you, tiny rectangle.
Affirmation cards with too much attitude
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Zen? No. But at least you're grounded
A meditation cushion you’ll sit on to dissociate
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Purple means spiraling, obviously.
A mood light that changes colors with your chaos
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Accurately conveys your entire week.
A Shirt That Spills Your Secrets
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Because nothing says “mental health” like crying to Phoebe Bridgers mid-rinse.
A shower speaker to overthink to music
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Comfort knows no location.
A neck pillow you use on the couch, not a plane
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Freedom is terrifying
A phone jail for screen detox you immediately regret
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Boundaries, but flexible
A “Do Not Disturb (Unless You Have Snacks)” door sign
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Stare into it instead of your future.
A lava lamp for emotional support and vague hypnotism
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