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A Vampire’s Guide To The Beach
17
items Serious beach defense for pale people who burst into flames at the idea of sun exposure.
Surfing leggings. Swim tights.
I love them. No bikini waxing. No tan lines. No wedgies. No self consciousness.
Great for when you don’t want the sun to kiss your pasty @$$. Perfect for catching waves and not melanoma.
ATTRACO Women's High Waisted Swim Pants
I’ve worn one of these over a bikini top for decades and saved myself from some horrible sunburns.
While everybody else is moaning and reapplying aloe, I’m unbothered, grateful, and mildly smug.
Heathyoga Women's UPF 50+ Rash Guard
Big enough to make you look famous or dangerous. Or both.
Oversized because when you’re trying to block out sun, size matters, darling.
GQUEEN Oversized Square Frame Sunglasses S904
If swim tights and a rash guard are too much, this covers the spot where most people get serious sun damage— the shoulders. Plus it’s cute as hell.
Body Glove Women's Let It Be Long Sleeve Rashguard UPF 50+
SPF 30, I blow my nose at you. Going into the sun is the same as going into battle.
SPF 70 bc anything less is an insult.
Mist your porcelain self like it’s spray-on armor. Then stare smugly at those applying SPF 15 like it’s doing anything.
Neutrogena Beach Defense Sunscreen Spray - SPF 70 - 6.5oz
If you’ve ever sunburnt your feet, you know why.
Outdoor Men/Women Swimming Shoes, Anti-Slip Wear-Resistant Beach Shoes, Unisex Quick Dry Beach/Aqua Shoes, Lightweight Wetproof Trekking Shoes, 2025 New Arrival
Night swimming is AWESOME. No SPF. No raging heat. Fewer crowds. You can wear what you want.
The trick to night swimming in the ocean is to go just before sunset and leave when visibility drops below your comfort level.
Pools are the best for this...
The benefits of night swimming
This stuff does. Not. Play.
It gave me the beach back.
Be sure you have a good scrubber to get it off at the end of the day.
Coppertone SPORT SPF 70 Water Resistant Lotion, 7oz, Pack of 2
You can literally wad this one up in a suitcase and then pull it out on beach day, and it will do its job like a loyal golden retriever.
UV Pro Wide Brim Hat
“Yes darling, not everyone can be the fairest of them all.” 😈🤭
What to say when someone calls you pale | I should have said
Listen. If you get this, do yourself a favor and watch the tutorial on how to close it when you’re finished using it BEFORE you get to the beach.
The sun will be too bright on your phone screen to read instructions or watch tutorials once you’re at...
Pop Up Portable Beach Canopy Sun Shade Shelter Outdoor Camping Fishing Tent Mesh Outdoor Shade Tent, Beach Tent
Finally, a lip sunscreen that doesn’t taste like death.
Aquaphor Lip Protectant with SPF 30, 0.35 OZ
An older cousin of mine once told me to use oversized white dress shirts and linen to protect myself at the beach in between swims.
It keeps the sun off, but is billowy enough to let in the sea breeze. The key is breathability and loose fit.
100% European Linen Shirt Dress in Blue Pinstripe
Always have a large cover-up to throw on the minute you sense you’re starting to burn.
CALIA Women's Swim Long Sleeve Knit Cover Up Dress
From experience, don’t forget about:
Your lips
The part in your hair
The backs of your hands
Your entire feet, including bottoms and toes
Your ears
Any swimsuit holes and gaps
How to apply sunscreen
Good for scrubbing off high powered SPF, and it smells like the juiciest pineapple ever. Feels like sand between your toes 🌴
Pineapple Shea Sugar Scrub
Yes, it’s a bit yee-haw, but the cursed sun shall not smite the part of thine hair.
If you don’t like the style, get a trucker hat.
Millie Woven Raffia Cowboy Hat