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Things I Bought Instead of Therapy
8
items Therapy costs $200 a session and my copay has opinions. These eight things cost less, arrive in two days, and judge me significantly less. Not a medical professional. Not even a little.
A little metronome that projects a glowing circle on your ceiling and tells you when to breathe. Basically a hypnotist minus the pocket watch and the malpractice insurance.
Dodow Sleep Aid Device with Guided Breathing
A fancy weighted rolling pin for your hands, invented for anxious people who chew their pens. It's the most satisfying thing you'll ever do in a meeting, silently.
ONO Roller Handheld Fidget Toy for Adults
A magnetic cube that unfolds into 70+ shapes. Therapy-adjacent: 20 minutes of fidgeting with this and you've processed feelings you didn't know you had.
Shashibo DODECA Magnetic Puzzle Cube Toy
A little bird-shaped puck that expands and contracts under your thumb to pace your breathing. Yes, it's expensive for a guided-breathing gadget. No, I don't want to talk about my hourly rate vs. my therapist's.
moonbird Handheld Breathing Guide - Rechargeable
You put it on your sternum, it vibrates your vagus nerve, and the app plays frequency music while you lie there. Strangers would have to pay $175 for an hour of this; you get unlimited sessions in sweatpants.
Sensate Relaxation Device – Vagus Nerve Toning
Pumps cool or hot air under your covers on a timer, so your bed stops feeling like a sauna or an icebox. The #1 cause of my insomnia was my partner's body heat; this device solved my marriage and my sleep, in that order.
BedJet Cooling & Heating Climate Fan for Beds
Powered nasal irrigation that uses suction instead of gravity, which makes it the Tesla of neti pots. Crying, but with a $100 motorized saltwater rinse instead of tissues.
NAVAGE Starter Bundle: 30 SaltPods, Teal Case
A wooden box with 200+ sleep meditations and zero screens, for people whose bedtime scroll is technically a cry for help. It's a French device that gently puts you to sleep; oui, it's still cheaper than one session.
Morphée Sleep Sound Machine with Meditation